Nolan Patterson on Fathering during the Pandemic
My wife and I have a daughter and three sons. We’re ordinarily a busy family with lots of plans and activity, but the pandemic brought life to a halt out of nowhere. At first, we thought it would just be a two week shutdown which felt like an extended vacation. As more weeks passed, a mental transition occurred as we realized the changes were going to stay in place. As a father, the message to the kids was that the household needed to keep moving forward doing what’s possible.
There were a lot of external responsibilities coping with changes in work, roles in the ecclesia, and other projects. The energy and attention on those things limited my emotional availability internally to the family. Each child revealed different stress responses to the changes in their hybrid education and decreased social network. It took my wife directly asking me to be more present and attentive at home. Instead of committing to all my own ideas and activities on hand, I had to slow down and play an active role in my children’s lives and not pass through their space so quickly.
For my youngest son, that meant more time reading together and agreeing to help, when asked, to ease some of his tension. At night it meant he was unable to sleep alone due to the unease of what was happening. He wouldn’t even go to the second floor of the house without someone being present. His stress manifested itself through a lot of attachment needs. But his older brother, who is a ball of energy, being locked down in the house was difficult. His excess energy manifested as anger and power struggles so, for him, I had to be a comforting, calming presence. Even knowing what to do, there was self-doubt wondering if it was enough.
During times of discomfort, fear, and unknown it’s even more important to embrace God in our families. Sunday school stories show God is all-powerful, all-knowing and all-present so there’s an opportunity during the pandemic to build on these fundamentals. Prayer together presents our stresses and blessings and a new openness in not knowing what tomorrow brings. It’s a source of strength and consistency too for the children knowing that not only are mom and dad there, but also God’s angels around them. As with Biblical stories, the pandemic is a time to show that God allows us to experience challenges and shakiness, but that he will be with us through it all.
As the months of the pandemic passed the natural question was, “how long is this going to last?” There were many conversations with the children and other families about how to navigate it with wisdom and create a community bubble to address the virus threat, but minimize the lasting impact on the kids. There was discussion on the wilderness wanderings because the Israelite families knew what tomorrow would bring when they were in Egypt, but then they left to a place where they didn’t know what was going to come. Food and water weren’t sureties so they became hyper-aware of the day-to-day instead of going through the normal motions. A big lesson from the pandemic is that you never really know what’s coming next. There’s a new sense of adaptation where you create new norms, but then things change again and you have to figure it out from there. Plans are made knowing they may have to change up until that time.
The unknown has created a lot of fear in society. It doesn’t help that the news media highlights this fear. Many are left questioning what is true so this negative energy needs to be refocused on our rock and foundation. Through prayer, meditation, reading, and family dialogue we can bring our energy back home to a presence with God. God’s constancy is a great blessing when literally nothing else feels constant.
As more things start to open up, all families make different decisions and the children are aware of the inconsistencies because they talk to their friends. They question these inconsistencies so it’s important as a family to acknowledge and address their confusion. There’s a chance to emphasize what should be consistent: the desire to work together, communicate, and love one another despite the differences.
It has been an interesting time as a father. Before the birth of our eldest, the question was, “what are you most looking forward to as a father?” The answer remains the same: there’s an absolute curiosity for who they will be as they grow up in this world, what they will become, and what they will bring to others.
To listen to the full podcast with Nolan and Levi please check out A Little Faith.