In the gospel that bears his name, John never actually names himself. He does, however, talk about “the disciple Jesus loved”. Most Bible students conclude he is referring to himself.

It’s an odd way to identify yourself. If you wrote a letter and called yourself something similar, what would the recipient think? I think we can quickly dispense with any idea that John means “the disciple Jesus loved…and he didn’t love the others”, or “the disciple Jesus loved more than the others”. No way he means anything like that. So what does he mean? I think he’s suggesting that this is how every one of us should think about ourselves, in wonder. Me. Amazingly, I am the one Jesus loves.

So if we’re supposed to put our own name in there, maybe we will learn something more from the context, the times when John uses the phrase. He does so five times.

John 13:23 – At the last supper, the institution of the new Passover. Specifically when Jesus foretells one of them will betray him. John—the one Jesus loves—is reclining right next to Jesus, and asks him who it is.

John 19:26 – On the cross, Jesus tells his mother to look at her son, then turns to John—the one he loves—and tells him to look at his mother.

John 20:2 – On the morning of the resurrection, Mary Magdalene runs and tells Peter and John—the one Jesus loves—that the body is missing. The two run to the tomb, and when this disciple sees, he believes.

John 21:7 – Waiting for Jesus to come to them, seven disciples decide to go fishing. Catching nothing, they return toward shore and see a man on the beach cooking breakfast, and this man tells them to put their net out. They do and there is a huge, miraculous haul of fish. John—the one Jesus loved—figures it out, and tells Peter, “It’s the Lord!”

John 21:20 – After the fish and the breakfast are dealt with, Jesus has a private conversation with Peter about feeding the sheep. Peter notices John—the one Jesus loves (further identified as the one who asked who would be the betrayer)—following them. Peter asks, “What about this man?” We aren’t told what he meant. Maybe, “Does this man have a role feeding the sheep too?” Jesus cryptically responds, “If it’s my will that he remain until I come, what’s that to you? You follow me.”

I’m not sure we can pin anything down definitely, but maybe we’re being told to look for the contexts in which I understand that Jesus loves me. In the breaking of bread we do as he commands—and in our hearts position ourselves right by him, hoping we’re not betraying him. On the cross, most definitely. But it’s not just us—on the cross he entrusts others whom he loves, to our care. In the resurrection, the victory over death—also the evidence that leads us to believe. But then we see it’s not only in these highly charged things. When we go to work, or any other aspect of daily life, the Lord can and does show himself in unexpected ways; we see him from a distance, but immediately are reminded that he loves us. And finally, in our attempts to follow him, trying to stay close to him. He looks back and we realize he loves us, and then he says something like, “I’d like it if he—me!—would remain till I come.”

Our job then, is to “remain”. Not as in never dying, as Jesus makes clear. Remain near. Near in the meal of fellowship, near the cross, near in the resurrection, near in daily life. Filled with awe that I’m one he loves.

Love, Paul