Part 1

Previously published in the CIL Magazine

Even with the best will in the world, with daily appreciation of the privilege of bringing up children for God, with supportive friends and family, and ecclesias nearby, the sudden change of becoming a parent can be a real shock to the system.  At various times in the last 6 years or so, I have experienced significant feelings of isolation.  Some of it I am only aware of now, looking back. 

Some of the causes of isolation included:

·   Physical separation from people – for example, being unable to attend so many ecclesial events, and when there, being in a separate room from the rest of the ecclesia.  Also, spending a lot more time at home without adult company.  There were some extended periods cooped up at home, for example when potty training, and during quarantine for illnesses such as chicken pox.

·   Finding it difficult to maintain conversations with people over the phone and in person, due to the demands of children. 

·   Spiritual isolation from God – caused mainly by being unable to continue my old spiritual habits, combined with lack of sleep and time to myself.

Sometimes, caring people would ask me how they could help, but through my inexperienced, sleep-deprived fog of a mind, I was not always able to think of anything.  Below are some suggestions I have since gathered which might help parents to feel less isolated during this challenging period.

Isolation at home

Tips for parents

·   Develop a network of support.  If you have a spouse, you will have significantly less time with them than you did before. You will not have enough time to talk about everything that concerns you. It is not fair on them, or healthy for you, to rely on them for all your support. There will be times when they have to work late, or need to tell you about their horrible day, or they're ill or depressed and need your help. Your own worries and fears will stack up inside of you, unheard and unsaid. Share some of them with others – if possible, other parents, e.g., at an ecclesial parent and toddler group. If you don't see brothers and sisters regularly, there will be online forums, or you can use email or skype. You may benefit from keeping a diary now and then.  If you do it right, then none of this sharing with others will make you more distant from your spouse. In fact, it will mean you can save the most important topics to discuss with them, and you can be there to support them in return, by listening to their problems.  On top of all this, and most importantly of all, take all your worries to God, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

·   As you are inevitably spending more time away from adult company, make yourself someone you want to spend time with. You no longer have the company of others to distract you from yourself. It is the ideal time to take responsibility for your mind-set and actions, and to confront your failings head on. Before, you could blame your behaviour on the stresses of the working world. Don't use your children as the new excuse for your mistakes. "They are testing my patience to the limits"; "They kept me up all night, now I'm too tired to be civil".  Don't think that this is a short-term way of life – that once your children are sleeping well or at school you will become a nice person again!  You will, hopefully, be a parent for the rest of your mortal life, and maybe a grandparent too. If you spend this early, precious time blaming your children for your own faults, shouting and railing at them for making you lose your temper, not only will your children not want to be around you, YOU will not want to be around you either.  And there is nothing more isolating than that.

·   Let go of the ‘achievement’ mentality.  In today’s world it is easy to slip into this value system – that unless you have done something great, you have wasted the day.  Do not feel you have failed if there is nothing ticked off on your to-do list that day.  The greatest pinnacle of achievement has already been reached – Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.  You are raising godly children – this is a long-term aim, so it is tempting to be distracted by more immediate goals.  But each day, assess your progress against this one aim, and move forward, remembering that in God’s eyes you are a special treasure, and you are noticed and cared for.

·   Train your children to be your companions.  The antidote to loneliness is sharing.  Share how you are feeling with your children – tell them when you are scared, worried, disappointed.  You can show this with your expressions, even before they understand words. Not only will this help you feel less lonely, but more importantly it will show them that it’s ok to be sad sometimes, and it will give them the life tools they need to understand and deal with difficult emotions.  Share your chores with them as soon as you can.  Not only will this help your children to be more independent and confident, it will make you feel less like a slave in your own home – which can be another very lonely feeling.

·   Sleep, sleep, sleep!  Sleep deprivation can become a serious problem.  At first, after one or two nights, it can make you irritable, clumsy and unable to focus.  If it continues for an extended period of time, the nhs website lists a number of potential consequences, including moral impairment, anxiety, depression and endangering of safety (such as when you’re driving tired).  And when you’re home alone with the children, there is no one else around to notice the warning signs.  If you ever have the choice between chores or sleep, try to choose sleep. 

Tips for friends of parents        

·   Expect plans made to meet up with parents to be last-minute and changeable, due to the unpredictable nature of children. 

·   Visit them and help with chores around the house while you chat – sort laundry, wash dishes.  This will give them more time later to sleep, read, pray or spend quality time with their family.

·   If parents visit you regularly, ask them for a bag of spare necessities to keep at your house – nappies, wipes, spare clothes, bibs.  This will alleviate the anxiety of getting ready to come over, and might even help them arrive on time!

·   Make your living room as child-proof as you can before they arrive.  If parents have to begin their visit moving everything dangerous out of reach, and chasing after their children up the stairs, there is less time for them to spend having good conversations with you.

·   Consider hosting a daytime class where you listen to a recording of a Bible talk while the children play. Invite parents, grandparents, students – anyone who is around during the day.  I have regularly attended a class like this, and always gain something from it.

- Rebekah Lewis, U.K.

Download Coping with Isolation As A Parent here.