Some Thoughts on Marriage
March 23, 2009
Dear Friends,
I am the “marrying man” for my meeting. When the brother that had the license to perform marriages became too infirmed to continue, I was asked to take his place. This role, in addition to having daughters that are all too quickly approaching marrying age, has provoked me to give a lot of thought to weddings and marriages.
The culture of disposable everything is starting to include marriages even in the families of believers. To date, it seems, we have adopted a “bury our heads in the sand” approach to this problem choosing rather to ignore it or wish it away rather than tackle it head on. We do not prepare our young people for marriage. We don’t address marriage issues well when they come up. We are FEMA-like in our response to the “Katrina” marital disasters when they occur viewing the wreckage in confusion and offering little in the way of real solutions. When we do talk about marriage, it is inevitable that someone is going to steer the conversation into marriage, divorce and remarriage thus ending any meaningful discussion on saving our existing marriages (or, heaven forbid, improving them!) and choosing rather to endlessly debate on this single aspect of failed marriages. If you didn’t know any better, you would suspect that somehow we had been infiltrated by a group of rabble-rousers intent on keeping us from having any helpful dialog on this subject lest we formulate a strategy for success!
It seems to me that in order to bring about real, substantial and lasting changes, we need to have a comprehensive program that touches all facets of marriages in our midst. To that end, let me make a few suggestions.
#1 – Let’s put “holy” back in “holy matrimony.” With the debate of same sex marriages as a backdrop, there has been a lot of discussion lately about the definition of marriage. What is a marriage? Who has authority over what is and what is not a marriage? No surprise, but the debate has clouded the issue of marriage rather than clarified it. The issue for believers, in my opinion, is not the definition of marriage. Let the world define marriage in whatever manner they wish. The real issue is the quality of our marriages and how they bring glory to God.
The word “holy” means “set apart” or “consecrated.” Unfortunately, the word “holy” has little context in relation to modern marriage. Most people live together before getting married. Half of the marriages end in divorce. A significant percentage of people are not faithful when they are married.
So what is a holy marriage? My ecclesia recently wrote the following as a statement concerning marriage:
We believe that the Scripture teaches and the teaching position of our ecclesia is that there are two acceptable marital positions before God. 1. One man and one woman married in the Lord for life. 2. Single and dedicated to the Lord. We believe that any marital position or teaching position that differs from the above falls short of God’s standard.
I would suggest the above is the absolute minimum and that a genuine “holy” marriage goes much further than this. A genuine holy marriage will include all of the following:
- God and Jesus Christ are firmly established as the center of the marriage with each partner helping one another toward their goal of the Kingdom of God.
- Genuine love for one another coupled with mutual respect and fidelity.
- A loving and nurturing environment for children (if so blessed by God) where the parents raise their children up as “on loan” from the Lord.
- When problems inevitably arise, the couple works to resolve them rather than ignoring them or seeking an “out.”
As believers are to be a light in a dark world, our marriages should provide a similar illumination to married couples. Our marriages should be “set apart” or holy in this way. Just “staying together for the sake of the children” or “because it is the right thing to do” isn’t good enough. Let’s set the bar higher and then work together to achieve it. When people fail, we’ll be kind, loving and gracious with them remembering Paul’s advice: “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.” (Gal. 6:1)
In the coming weeks, I hope to share some ideas on how we might get there.
Have a great week,
Comments»
Throughout scripture there are two types of Marriages we learn about, “Love marriages” where the man and woman choose each other, not always because of Love, but the marriage is of their own making. The other type is the arranged marriage, where the parents find a suitable match for the children.
What percentage of each are “successful marriages” according to the scripture? and what scriptural theme is build upon this?
Great question! I haven’t done the counting and am not convinced it is possible to do so because so many of them would be pure conjecture.
I would add a third and a fourth category too – a “lust marriage” and a “political marriage.” (the latter might be considered a subcategory of arranged) David and Bathsheba would be a “lust marriage.” We might also add to the lust list the following: Vashti/Ahasuerus, Esther/Ahasuerus, Nabal/Abigail. Politcal marriages: Solomon/Pharoah’s Daughter, Ahab/Jezebel, David/Michel.
What I think is interesting is that successful marriages can come from bad situations. This is anecdotal evidence versus the statistical evidence you asked for, however. David and Bathsheba would appear to get about as bad a start as you could hope for. An adulterous rape, an unwanted pregnancy, a murder of the first husband, a dead child! Yet, despite all of this, David and Bathsheba seemed to have a good marriage. The lesson I glean from this is that even though we may make some bad choices in choosing our mates (immaturity, lust, sexual misconduct), it is possible to make it work. It gives hope to many who may have made those mistakes and fear that all is lost because they got off on the wrong foot.
I would also add that the arranged marriages seem to have a high success rate. This is even true today. Again, I think the important item that I would take away from this is that the idea of a “soul mate” or this hyper-romantic love notion that seems so popular today is bunk. A good marriage may or may not include romantic love from one minute to the next. People who don’t even know each other (an arranged marriage) can follows God’s principles for marriage and make it work (and work well). A marriage is a marathon and not a sprint.
I agree that in our survey of marriages in the Bible we don’t always know either how the couple were introduced, or how the marriage turned out. So this question applies to those marriages where we know both answers. For example Isaac and Rebecca’s marriage was clearly arranged, and the record says of their marriage: Gen 24:67 “and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. “It’s interesting to note the order” She became his wife and he loved her”.
I have an outstanding challenge to find an arranged marriage in scripture that failed.
the ultimate arranged marriage of course is Christ and the Ecclesia, God has chosen us for his son. Some of us have refused, but it is our Heavenly Father that is orchestrating our wedding to his son. Our all knowing father, who knows better than us, is choosing us, who Love God and his son, because he first loved us, and gave his son for us, to be the bride. This is not a marriage based on the transient feelings we as humans have for one another, but on the type of love that takes commitment, effort and years of understanding to build.
It is this former love that holds marriages together. Living in a country where arranged marriages are normal, in an ecclesia where most of our members marriages were arranged, I can see this principle on a regular basis.
There is a key ingredient that is the secret to an arranged marriage, and that is a willingness to find in the other person attributes worth loving, and ignoring all else. With the “me first” culture of western countries coming into Bangladesh and other countries where arranged marriages are normal, the failure rate of marriages is rapidly increasing. And that is because “love of self” comes before “love of the other”.
A love marriage isn’t as much about “I love her, and will give my life for her” as it is about “She loves me, and makes me happy, and I feel good when she is around” and when we start to think ‘hey, she loves something else more than me” or “She isn’t making me happy anymore” or “I feel better when someone else is around” – the “love” is suddenly gone.
I do not suggest that in this world arrange marriages are superior to love marriages. However in the scripture, they certainly are. And i believe that is to teach us, regardless of what we think, God arranged our marriage, Matt 19:6 “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” There are allowances for divorce in scripture, however in all cases, they are only technical, because by their actions the other partner has already left the marriage, leaving the other destitute. God himself in principle has applied this example to himself. Israel went and played the harlot with the nations around, and so God has put off his former bride. However, he is seeking such a bride for his son who will not turn her back on him, and who will be faithful to him. The lessons we learn in marriage “Husbands love your wives” (not “husbands try and love you wives back”) teach us how to Love a God we can’t see, and how to be faithful to a Christ we only know through his letters to us.
In the case of Isaac and Rebekah, the marriage was arranged, but not by the parents as is the custom in some current societies. That marriage was arranged by Yahweh, for who can read the account in Genesis and not see that it was Yahweh arranging the selection of Rebekah? When the servant told the story to her family, they too could see as he did that Yahweh had chosen Rebekah to be Isaac’s wife. Rebekah seems to have known it also as she willingly went with the servant of Abraham; whom she had just met. But she too could see the hand of the Lord working in the arrangement; and being a believer she trusted that God had decided the matter.
Can’t we accept that when a couple come together in the bonds of the Truth that such are arranged by Yahweh? Perhaps not in the direct sense that Isaac and Rebekah experienced; but arranged none the less. I certainly don’t think that God was absent when my wife and I were brought together.
The real issue isn’t the arrangements of the marriage; but what happens after.