Toxic People
March 9, 2009
Dear Friends,
The Bible describes King Saul as a troubled man. David tried to be a good companion to him. David played the harp for Saul when he was upset. He fought for Saul so hard and so effectively that it became a source of jealousy. David even married Saul's daughter. In the end, David had to flee for his life because Saul was out to kill him.
The account of David and Saul has a powerful lesson for us when it comes to our relationships. We should be friendly to everyone. We should help people when we are able to do so. We should love our enemies. However, this story teaches us that there are some relationships which are toxic. These relationships will kill us spiritually, morally and possibly even physically if we don't flee from them.
The Bible tells us "Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character.'" (1 Cor. 15:33 NIV) This advice is usually taken to mean that we should avoid people of bad moral character. This is true. At the same time, there are people that are not "worldly" per se, but are equally toxic to our faith. There are people who are always bringing us down. They suck the joy right out of us. They fill our minds with negative thoughts, ill will, hatred and worry. They are as damaging to our spiritual lives as fornicators, drunkards and idolaters because we allow them to steal the fruit of the spirit from us. Like David did with his toxic friend Saul, we need to create some distance between us and them.
The very sad thing with many of these toxic people is that all too often they are people in our ecclesias or in our families. These are people that we care for very deeply. I am not suggesting that you don’t continue to love them and care for them, but sometimes you have to do that from a distance.
In some cases, we just don't have toxic people in our lives but find ourselves in a toxic ecclesia where negativity rules the day. When you visit places like this, you know it. There are no smiles, no warmth, no visible love and no joy. It is like walking into a freezer. The "exhortations" are always negative and condemning. I used to believe that the Bible taught that you should stick with your ecclesia no matter what. "Strengthen the things that remain" was my battle cry (Rev. 3:2). Yet if you are observant, you see that people that practice this often mantra often pay an unacceptably high price for doing so. Many leave the Truth. Many lose their children to the world. Many live lives in depression, constant turmoil and despair. While I believe you should do everything within your power to effect positive changes, sometimes in the end you just have to leave. You leave on good terms, but you leave.
Let me quickly add these qualifying statements. I am not saying leave the faith. I am not saying go into isolation. What I am saying is that you need to make the sacrifice to go to an ecclesia where you can be built up and edified. This may mean uprooting your family and present employment to find a place where you and your family can thrive. Let me also add that there is no perfect ecclesia or perfect people. If we don't make allowances for people's failings, we might as well live in tents as we will be moving so much. This is really about relationships or situations which are so severe that your very life or the lives of your family are in danger.
My parting counsel is to make good and sure that we are part of the solution and not part of the problem. So many times the people who complain about being around negative people all the time are in that position because they bring that out in people with their own toxicity. We need to make sure that we are defined by "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" before we demand that of others. It is the old "mote and beam" problem that is so much a part of human nature.
In the end, David triumphed because he had the wisdom to flee from a toxic relationship. We too shall triumph in Christ if we associate with people who live by the spirit and not after the flesh.
Have a great week,
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