When They Grow Up
June 2, 2008
Dear Friends,
My seventeen year old daughter, Ana, is graduating from high school this week. In the fall, she will be off to college and, to a certain extent, on her own. She’ll have to make her own decisions without mom and dad looking over her shoulder.
We are in that awkward stage of life when mom and dad have to let their little one take wing and leave the nest. It’s not easy. Most fathers still see their adult daughters through the wistful lens as their little girls with bows in their hair and a bandage on their skinned knee. We are their protectors as well as their biggest fans.
I have always tried to think of my children as “on loan” from God. They are really His children and He has been gracious enough to let me borrow them. They are His heritage. Part of that heritage is taking these little babies, molding them through adolescence and seeing them through to adulthood. As the Bible says “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Pr. 22:6) That’s the point, though, isn’t it? That is what we are supposed to be doing as parents. We help them develop so they can operate successfully without us. Of course this includes teaching them to know God and Christ and instilling in them a good moral compass, but the training includes a lot more than that. We need to help them become successful human beings in a world with more than its share of challenges.
My definition of success for my children has been very simple and very consistent. I tell my children that I want two things for them in life; to be happy and godly. I never pushed them on school. I never pushed them on athletics or the arts. Of course godliness includes a high degree of effort in whatever we put our hand to doing. This will bring with it a degree of worldly success, but that is simply a byproduct of a godly life well-lived. The Bible is full of counsel on giving our best. “Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might” and “Whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men” are just a few examples. (Ecc. 9:10; Col. 3:23)
After you have done your job of raising a child, then comes the hard part; letting them go. I think in some way I have been dreading this moment since she came into the world screaming 17 years ago. How can she possibly survive without me? Answer: Surprisingly well. It’s a double-edged sword. You are glad you raised them so that they are capable of doing well on their own but wish (at least a little) that they still needed you like they once did. C’est la vie.
Every once in a while you see an adult who has not successfully made the transition from being under authority to their parents to adulthood. Often you see marriages in which the parents of the husband or wife are way too intimately involved in the marriage. It is like they never heard of the verse “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Ge 2:24) Sometimes the child won’t let go of the parent and sometimes the parent won’t let go of the child. It doesn’t matter, however, because the fault always goes back to the parent. You’ve got to let go.
I remember not too terribly long ago running behind Ana’s bike as she tried to ride the first time without training wheels. She didn’t want me to let go. She soon had the knack and was riding like a champ. Now it’s my turn not wanting to let go. I’ve been running behind her for 17 years and now she’s giving me the signal to let go. Knowing that it is time and it is the right thing to do doesn’t make it any easier.
Have a great week,
Comments»
Kyle, thanks for the thought this week.
Just yesterday I was trying to teach Simon to ride his bike for the first time. Needless to say, things didn’t go as smooth or quickly as I had planned in my mind. We ended up walking our bikes home from the park, frustrated and annoyed with each other. Over the next 12 years, I am sure Simon and I will end up walking along next to each other frustrated and annoyed with the fact that one of us is wanting to hold on and the other is wanting to let go. But, I am looking forward to that day when he can balance and ride that bike all by himself. Then we can both ride along side each other instead of waiting for the other to catch up.
Congratulations to you and Leanne and Ana!
Parenthood seems to me to be about planning for your own obsolesence. If you’ve done your job right, they don’t need you.
But something wonderful happens sometimes. As they get a little older, and there is sometimes some awkwardness in between as they assert their independence, you find that they come back (not necessarily literally), not as your children so much (although your parenting job is never really completely over) but as an adult friend. In my opinion this is the best phase of the relationship between kids and their parents.
My parents never seemed entirely like actual people to me when I was a kid. The role that they played as Mom or Dad tended to dominate the relationship. But as you get older and you don’t need them in the same way, you begin to discover them as “real” people, and true friendship can often grow.
Here’s something I’ve thinking about: If God is our Heavenly Father, then I think he wants “adult children”. If so, what does that mean exactly?
My Dear Bro. Kyle Did you remeber, When I and My family were in Istanbul for baptisim, I told you about My love to AZIN, and you replied me That the children are like a gift from God. I have never forgotten that, and in thought for the week , we learned to look at children better than past. The loans of God!!?? Congratulations to you. God bless you Mohammad-Turkey