A Framework for Life – Part 7
July 18, 2004
Dear Friends,
In this our last installment in this series, we wanted to give a brief example of how this would apply to a marital problem. As we are contending that the Bible has the answer to life’s problems, this is just the tip of the iceberg and is simply to illustrate the process. It will be up to the individual to see how to apply this process to other issues and challenges.
The example we would like to use is an issue which came up early in my own marriage. My wife grew up in a family that settled differences by talking about them. They would hash things out until there was a resolution of some sort. My family, on the other hand, settled differences by arguing about them until one of the parties dropped dead from exhaustion. (just kidding) Actually, we would argue a point until someone “gave in” by saying they were wrong or saying they were sorry or everyone decided not to speak to each other anymore. (not kidding)
When my lovely, young bride and I got into our first disagreements, I would often end the discussion by admitting I was wrong. (Note to husbands: this is always good policy! You can save a lot of time by getting this tattooed on your forehead!) My wife, however, would still be seeking final resolution to the issue, not just assigning blame. In my house growing up, if you had admitted you were wrong and the other person kept on discussing the point, this was tantamount to rubbing your nose in it. Needless to say, when my wife would continue on I would go from annoyed to angry to ballistic. She just wouldn’t let it drop and I would feel I was being attacked.
Now assuming we were bright enough at the time to realize what was going on (which it took us about a year to figure out), we could sit down with our Bibles open and discuss. Here are some of the Scriptures that might come up in a situation like this.
One of the husband’s first lines of defense is “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 NAS) If I were counseling a couple in a discussion of this verse, I would ask a few leading questions such as: “Does this verse mean that a wife must always agree with husband?”, “Is there a difference between discussing a point in a Christ-like manner and contention?”, “What do you think the attributes of this woman are versus the attributes of a Godly wife who may have a difference opinion than her husband?” Let’s face it, we can find one verse in the Bible (wrested from meaning and context) that support just about anything we want. There are also what I call “grenade verses” like the one above which are explosive in nature which people just lob over at the other party to see how much damage it will do. When these “grenade verses” come, it is best to compare them to the sum of Scripture. What the husband may be trying to do is to end the discussion with one verse and the illogical conclusion that all wives in all circumstances should just be quiet, obey and like it. We only need to turn to passages such as Nabal and Abigail to see that the husband isn’t always right. The conclusion that the reasonable couple would reach is that this verse in Proverbs does not discount a husband and wife from discussing and sharing different points of view and opinions. It does speak to the way in which the wife chooses to voice her disagreement.
Anyway, after deflecting a few “grenade verses”, we might consider “Even if you are angry, do not sin: never let the sun set on your anger.” (Eph 4:26 NJB) This would seem to support the idea that a resolution is needed and should not be postponed indefinitely. While we are in Ephesians, we might even take a look at the verse that reads “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up with the training and instruction of the Lord” (6:4) and have a discussion about the kind of example your are setting for children in your disagreements. “Is the way you treat each other in a disagreement the way you want your children to treat other people in a disagreement?” “If not, how would you counsel your kids to handle disagreements with their spouse?”
I would suggest that once a thorough study was done on what the Bible had to say about how to settle differences of opinion between a husband and wife, my wife’s view of how to go about it was superior to my own. The final arbiter of what is right is not either of us, but the word of God. Her point of view was vindicated, but it is only because her opinion was closer to God’s word than my own.
The conclusion then is that we could literally turn up a hundred verses to discuss how to settle these disagreements. The benefit is that, at least initially, the focus is on “what does the verse mean” versus “he said, she said.” The key is that there is a common, infallible basis for reaching a conclusion rather than just opinions, feelings, life experiences and power. If everyone has bought into the concept that GOD IS RIGHT (as opposed to you or I being right) by making His word the final answer, we have a solid foundation for life.
Have a great week!
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