Ten Commandments for Getting Along with People
February 21, 1999
Dear Friends,
This is the first TFTW where I had an extended series. The series is based on a column written by the late Ann Landers.
About 15 years ago, there was a newspaper article called “The Ten Commandments for Getting Along with People.” At the time, I thought it was very spiritual and pertinent to my life, so I cut it out and have saved it. Looking back over it, I realize it is still beneficial to me. Over the next few weeks, I will share some of these “commandments” with you and some places where similar thoughts occur in Scripture.
Commandment #1 – “Keep skid chains on your tongue. Cultivate a low, persuasive voice. How you say it often counts more than what you say.” This advice is right from the Scriptures. Proverbs 10:19 tells us “when words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” (NIV) What a difficult thing to do! Especially for people like me who like to talk. Apparently I am not alone as the average person speaks enough words in a week to fill a 500 page book. In the average lifetime, that would be 3000 volumes and 1.5 million pages! No doubt, verbal communication is an important skill and something we must do. However, perhaps we should increase the quality of our speech and decrease the quantity.
You know, for its size, the tongue is one of the most powerful things in God's creation. James likens it to a bit in a horse's mouth. The bit is so small, but it can move an animal a thousand times its size. James also likens it to the rudder on a ship. Again, the rudder is tiny compared to the huge ship it steers. If anything, James has perhaps underestimated the power of the tongue. With a few remarks, we can change a person's day, week or even life. Think of the life changing power of the following phrases: “I do.” “I quit.” “I love you.” “It is finished.” “I believe.” Once again, James uses the analogy of a forest fire to bring to our attention the impact of our words. A small flame can, in a short time, destroy a forest which has taken hundreds of years to grow. Likewise, a few misspent words can ruin lives, destroy the faith of brethren, split ecclesias, create sorrow and blaspheme God. No wonder James calls the tongue “a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” (NIV)
The worst thing we can do is to underestimate this aspect of our walk. Not only does what we say have a tremendous impact on those around us, but it can also have a major impact on us. The Bible tells us in Matthew 12, “A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things. But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.” If we could keep in mind that our words were determining our reward or condemnation at judgment, perhaps our speech would be more spiritually edifying.
This week, think about the tongue. Think about, as Proverbs 12:18 puts it, “reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Think about how you can use your speech to further the cause of the Gospel, heal an old wound or simply brighten someone's day. Think about what a power your tongue can be for good!
The second “commandment” is: make promises sparingly and keep them faithfully, no matter what the cost.
Again, this concept is ripped from the pages of the Bible. Numbers 30:2 states clearly that “When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.” (NIV) Also, Ecclesiastes 5:5 speaks on the matter similarly when it says, “It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.”
To the Jewish mind, words were alive and powerful. Once spoken, they almost took on a life of their own. Perhaps this is one reason that the Hebrew language had only 10,000 words while the Greek language had over 200,000.
We see the power and irrevocability of words over and over in the Bible. In Genesis 1, each creative act begins with “and God said.” In Genesis 27, Isaac mistakenly blesses Jacob but could not take back his blessing. In Isaiah 55:11, God states “so shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.” Combined with the power of the spoken word, an oath or promise was nothing to take lightly.
There are several reasons why keeping promises is so important. First and most important of all, it is the character of God which we are to emulate. God cannot lie and is faithful in what he says. Also, God without fail has the ability to fulfill his promises. Many times our good intentions are thwarted by circumstances which we have a limited ability to control. Jesus recognized this and therefore taught his disciples by saying “ you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' But I tell you, Do not swear at all…Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' (NIV) In so doing, we have both the recognition that we must always keep our word whether in an oath or otherwise coupled with the recognition that we are dependent upon God to keep our promises.
Secondly, it is important to keep our promises because by doing so, it sends a clear message to the world that we are different. Today, promises are made and broken with a regularity that it is frightening. Politicians break their campaign promises so frequently that it has almost become a proverb. It would seem few people take marriage vows seriously as roughly 50% of all marriages end in divorce. By keeping our word consistently, we can shine our light before all men: brothers, sisters, children, family and friends. In so doing, when we tell them the Truth, they will know that we are telling them the truth.
I will leave you with the inspired thoughts of the Apostle Peter. “If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.”
The third “commandment” is: Never let an opportunity pass to say a kind word to or about somebody. Praise good work, regardless of who did it.
In the business world, I have seen a manager who had a very difficult time giving a compliment. It was not out of meanness, but out of fear that the employees would become complacent. Therefore, criticism was ever present and compliments were sparse. If something was done well and a compliment was given, it was immediately taken away with criticism or a challenge in another area. As you can imagine, the result was a serious decline in morale. The employees lost confidence in themselves and their abilities to perform their work. People who reported to this manager started leaving the company.
I am sure that nowhere in this manager's performance plan did it say “you must compliment your employees.” Yet, their failure to encourage and praise their employees led to problems far beyond what one would expect from such a simple omission. Sometimes it is what we don't do that is wrong rather than what we do. We refer to this as a “sin of omission.” James 4:17 characterizes it by saying “to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.”
The truth is that most people, even the worst among us, have something that is praiseworthy. Even though we may feel that the person is most deserving of criticism, we will probably achieve more results with the right praise. Think of how God must view us. It seems like He sees what little good we have in us as a seed that can grow up into a mighty tree. He nurtures our goodness and forgives our sin. The response that a true believer has to this tender care is their continued service, love and gratitude. Should we do any less to the least of our brethren?
The Bible encourages us to take a proactive role in encouragement. In 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Paul tells the brethren to “encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” The writer to the Hebrews states, “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.” Later, he says, “But let us encourage one another-and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
We should not confuse this with casting a blind eye toward error. There is nothing in the Scripture to invoke us “to wink at” or ignore error whether it be doctrinal or personal conduct. Yet, if we have a proper balance in our approach to both the Scriptures and our personal conduct, we should have built up years of praise and encouragement around us to contrast our occasional, select criticism. If we do this, I imagine that people will take our criticism more seriously. If we constantly criticize, we are more like the constant “dripping” of the quarrelsome wife of Proverbs than the loving example set for us in Jesus.
Catherine II, empress of Russia, contrasted the difference well when she said “I praise loudly, I blame softly.”
I will leave you with the following thought from Philippians 4:8. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” (NIV)
The fourth “commandment” for getting along with people is: Be interested in others: their homes, their work, their pursuits and their families. Make merry with those who rejoice; with those who weep, mourn. Let everyone you meet, however humble, feel you regard him as a person of importance.
Part of this commandment actually seems to be a paraphrase of Romans 12:15. “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.” On the other hand, despite the paraphrase from Scripture here, it is a reasonable question to ask why this “commandment” is important in the scope of a believer's life. If we are diligent Bible students, avoid immorality and attend meeting, why is it important to show interest in others? To those who are not naturally interested in other people, this is a perplexing question.
The answer finds its place all over the Bible. If we are talking about our brothers and sisters in Christ, this is one of our most fundamental principles. We are to be “life support systems” for our brothers and sisters. We are to be there for them in their time of need whether moral, emotional or physical. We are to encourage, console and exhort one another. It is difficult at best to be there in this capacity if we are not truly interested in their lives and view them as a “VIP.” Romans 12:10 exhorts us to be “devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
Hopefully, no one needs to question whether our brethren are important. Who can be more important that someone “for whom Christ died?” Are famous athletes, politicians, movie stars, corporate executives or other “movers and shakers” more interesting than our brethren? Maybe. Are these people more important than our brethren? Never! If Jesus was willing to die for our brethren, no one can be more important.
The Apostle Paul was apparently a man with a knack for relating to people on their terms. Imagine how difficult it must have been for Paul, a former Pharisee, to go to all of these Gentile cities where no ecclesia existed, and develop relationships which resulted in people taking on the name of Christ. It must have been something that he cultivated for most of his life in Christ. Paul did not do these things so he could be popular, but that he might be more effective in his service to his brethren and his Savior. In 1 Cor. 9:20-22, he tells us, “And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law; to them that are without law, as without law, (being not without law to God, but under the law to Christ,) that I might gain them that are without law. To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some.”
The fifth “commandment” for getting along with people is: “Be cheerful. Don't burden or depress those around you by dwelling on your aches and pains and small disappointments. Remember, everyone is carrying some kind of burden.”
We need to be joyful in our worship and in our life in general. God has blessed each of us so profoundly with a knowledge of His son and His abundant grace and mercy that we should be counted among the happiest people on earth.
What do people see when they look at us? Do they see an individual who has be transformed by the grace of God into a joyous, thriving human being or do they see someone continually suffering, pained and burdened? If we are the latter, what message are we sending to the world? Are we saying “Come, be a servant of Jesus just like me and join in my misery”? Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. once said he would have entered the clergy if “certain clergymen I knew had not acted so much like undertakers.” Can this be said of us?
Perhaps some of the least emphasized verses in the Bible are positive verses of happiness and joy. How about:
• 1 Peter 1:8-9 – “Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
• There are many passages in the Psalms such as the following: Psalms 4:6-8 – “Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.”
• Psalms 5:11 – “Let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.”
• Psalms 95:1-2 -”Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.”
The passages containing messages of joy and happiness are far too numerous to list. The word “joy” or “joyous” occurs in the Authorized Version 201 times. The word “rejoice” occurs 192 times. The word “bless” or “blessed” (often meaning “happy”) occurs 522 times. This is not some obscure or abstract concept in the Bible, but one of its major themes. The people of God, those who understand the joy set before them and the good news of the Kingdom of God and the name of Jesus Christ, are those who should above all people rejoice.
Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote “I have been to church today and am not depressed.” Is this our approach to meeting? Do we count it a good Sunday when we come away from meeting and are not depressed? Enthusiasm, joy and goodwill are contagious, and we should all be carriers.
I will leave you with this thought. There was an old sister in our meeting who has been dead for many years. She suffered many physical aliments as well as many family tragedies during her long life. Despite all of this, this cute little, old sister was always beaming with joy. You know, I never remember her complaining about anything. Not one thing! But to this day, just as clearly as if it was yesterday, I can still hear her laughter.
The sixth commandment for getting along with people is: Keep an open mind. Discuss, don't argue. It is the mark of a superior mind to be able to disagree without being disagreeable.
It is a difficult balancing act that keeps our minds open to new ideas and listening to what others have to say while avoiding being the “doubled-minded” man of James 1. The term “double-minded” comes from the Greek word dipsuchos meaning “two-spirited” as in vacillating in opinion or purpose. Single-minded men are sure in their purpose and in their faith. Although they are sure in their faith in God, they are equally sure that they don't know everything. Therefore, with their foundations sure in the Scriptures, they are open to understanding other points of view.
Part of being open-minded is seeing your life from the perspective of God working with you and for you every minute of every day. This requires us learning how to be led by God. God will work with us to broaden our perspectives and increase our faith. All he asks of us is an eagerness to be led. God needed to work with Jonah to see the plan He had for Nineveh. Peter required a vision and the demonstration of the Holy Spirit to see the Gospel spreading to the Gentiles. Whether or not we are pliable in the hands of our Creator, we must all be led with varying degrees of difficulty. “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.”
Paul is one of the best examples of all of a man with a closed mind. Jesus likened him to an ox who would kick against the sharp goads and refused to be driven in the right direction. Paul refused to heed the preaching of Stephen and witnessed his execution. As a result, Paul had to be shown the light, both literally and figuratively, on the road to Damascus. How much easier for him it would have been had he been more open-minded!
As we just saw, on occasion, righteous men are close-minded. However, on many occasions, unrighteous men are close-minded. The Pharisees, despite the miracles of Jesus, refused to see that Jesus was the Son of God. Pharaoh lost the wealth of his nation, his son and his army because of his unwillingness to heed the message of Moses. The examples go on and on, because, on the whole, mankind is close-minded. “Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools.”
Close-mindedness comes from weakness and from fear. Rather than seeking to understand, the least little threat makes them recoil or lash out. Of the seventeen works of the flesh of Galatians 5, seven of them can be a direct result of being close-minded. They are hatred, quarreling, wrath, strife, seditions, party politics and ill will. Philippians 2:14-15 tells us to “do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.”
We must do our best to put aside arguments and contentions. We must learn to discuss controversial topics in a Christ-like manner. We must seek to understand and then seek to be understood.
We will leave you with a thought from the former hard-hearted, close-minded, quarrelsome apostle Paul. In 2 Timothy 2:23-25 (NIV), he exhorts:
Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.
As a way of reminder about the origins of this series, about 15 years ago, there was a newspaper article called “The Ten Commandments for Getting Along with People.” The thoughts of the last 6 weeks have centered around this old article.
This week, we continue with the seventh “commandment.” It reads “Let your virtues, if any, speak for themselves. Refuse to talk about the vices of others. Discourage gossip. It is a waste of valuable time and can be destructive and hurtful.”
I am no psychologist, but the two items mentioned here – bragging and gossip – seem to be two ends of the same stick, a stick which we use to beat down other people. Whether we gossip or brag, we are attempting to set ourselves above our peers. Bragging does so by making sure everyone knows just how wonderful we are compared to everyone else. Gossip does so by letting everyone know just how rotten someone else is. If we are telling something wonderful or admirable about someone else, unless it was said in confidence, it probably isn't gossip.
Bragging does not appear to be a problem of the same magnitude as gossip in the brotherhood. The root cause of bragging – pride – may be a substantial problem. There may be a few brethren who feel they are superior to others. But, for the most part, brethren that feel superior have the good sense to keep it to themselves. There are certainly enough verses in the Bible which encourage us to humility and esteeming our brethren better than ourselves.
Gossip, on the other hand, seems pervasive. Being a Christadelphian seems a little bit like living in a small town. Everyone looks out for one another, but everyone knows everybody's business.
Knowing one another's problems is not necessarily a bad thing. We are encouraged to “confess your faults one to another,” the idea being that we should help and encourage one another to overcome these problems. We are even encouraged in special cases to report a person's sin to others (1 Tim. 5:19,20; Matt. 18:16,17). However, the vast majority of instances we encounter on a day-to-day basis, we have no business reporting what we have heard. Gossiping does nothing but gratify our lusts and tear down the people of whom we speak.
The Scriptures heartily condemn such activity. In 1 Tim. 5:13, the young widows are admonished not “to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.” Proverbs 20:19 in the Revised Standard Version wisely advises “He who goes about gossiping reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with one who speaks foolishly.”
One thing I think we can all do in addition to not being a talebearer is to gently rebuke those who bring tales to us. By this we set a good example for the person who brought us the information. First, ask them why they are telling us this information. Second, we should ask where they got their information. Is this second-hand scuttlebutt or reliable facts? If it is a firsthand grievance with an individual, did they go to the offender in accordance with Matthew 18? Finally, it is a good thing to ask if they would mind if the world knew that they are telling this tale.
“Remind the people to…be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men.” (Titus 3:1,2 NIV)
We continue with the eighth “commandment.” It reads “Take into consideration the feelings of others. Wit and humor at the expense of others is never worth the pain that may be inflicted.”
This one hits a little close to home for me. Sometimes I feel like my picture is beside the definition of “sarcastic” in the dictionary. There are not many verses in the Bible dealing with this subject, but common sense tells us inflicting pain on others for the sake of a laugh is wrong. There are a few verses such as Proverbs 12:18 which states “reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
We all agreed that we are exhorted to build one another up as well as to shine our light before men. Surely these cannot be accomplished if we are inflicting pain with our wit.
This is not to say that all humor is inappropriate. I am told that even the Bible employs humor within its pages. Apparently, a brother once wrote a book on humor in the Bible where he researched and discovered that the Bible time and again uses humor to convey its message. Unfortunately, many of the witticisms are lost on the modern reader as they are play on words or based upon customs of ages long past.
On the other hand, we know that some humor is inappropriate. For example, in Ephesians 5 we have a very interesting verse which seems to place foolish talk and coarse joking on par with sexual immorality and idolatry.
Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person-such a man is an idolater-has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. (NIV)
It is quite obvious that whatever “foolish talk” or “coarse joking” are, they are serious offenses in the eyes of God and not to be taken lightly. Certainly, what we refer to as “dirty jokes” or “off-color jokes” should not be found within the body of Christ. It also seems reasonable to include within this prohibition jokes that injure other people.
As we go through the coming week, think about appropriate and inappropriate uses of humor. Think about when and if you use humor to the hurt of others. I know I will.
During the first century, the believers were accused of the most heinous crimes. Because of the celebration of the love feast, they were accused of orgies. Because of eating in symbol the body and blood of Christ, the believers were accused of cannibalism. They were despised as lowest form of humanity through the rumors and slander of the ill-informed.
The ninth “commandment” for getting along with people is “Pay no attention to ill-natured remarks about you. Remember, the person who carried the message may not be the most accurate reporter in the world. Simply live so that nobody will believe him. Disordered nerves and bad digestion are common cause of back-biting.”
In a similar vein, the apostle Peter exhorts these slandered brethren of the first century to “live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.”
At times it may be difficult or even impossible for us to overcome false things that people say about us. But when we really reflect on the importance of those false accusations, it is not how others perceive us, but how God perceives us. True, we should “abstain from all appearance of evil.” However, in the end, it is really not how others perceive us, but who and what we really are that counts.
For the suffering believers in the first century, the resurrection of the dead and the Kingdom of God were not just intellectual concepts, but a vivid, constant, fervent hope. With all of the torture they endured for their faith along with all of the slander thrown at them, they looked forward to a day when justice would prevail and their faith would be vindicated. Peter tells them to “…rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.”
A brother once gave me what I felt was some good advice. He said that there are some things you can change and some you cannot change. Stop worrying about the things you cannot change as it will only make you frustrated and unhappy. Focus only on the things that we can change. Most of those things we can change, by the way, are things we can change about ourselves. We cannot stop people from speaking ill about us anymore than could the believers of Peter's day. We can, on the other hand, be more effective in our service to God and Jesus Christ. People will, until righteousness reigns on this earth, be backbiters so we need to live so that nobody will believe him.
The tenth and last “commandment” for getting along with people is: “Don't be anxious about the credit due you. Do your best? and let others 'remember.' Success is much sweeter that way.”
The Pharisees made a lot out of where they sat when they went places. They wanted to have the best seat in the synagogue. They wanted the best seat when they went to a wedding or a feast. Jesus, using the Pharisees as bad example for his disciples, gave this advice to his disciples. He said “when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, 'Friend, move up to a better place.' Then you will be honored in the presence of all your fellow guests. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Jesus echoes what was taught in Proverbs 25:6-7. It says, “Do not exalt yourself in the king's presence, and do not claim a place among great men; it is better for him to say to you, 'Come up here, than for him to humiliate you before a nobleman.”
Well, I don't know about you, but this sure doesn't sound like the world I live in. Most people will tell you, especially in the working world, that you need to be very anxious about the credit due you.
For example, I recently enjoyed a highly visible, important sale at one of my clients. It was featured in a company-wide e-mail as the “Win of the Week.” It told about the company, the win and who worked on the sale. Unfortunately, it didn't list but a few of the contributors to this accomplishment.
Well, as soon as it came out, the phones started ringing with people who had contributed to this sale. They were angry that they were left off of this note. The assumption was that since I was the lead marketing person, the note was authorized by me. My only saving grace was that I had not known about nor did I contribute to this note prior to its going out. In fact, even my own name was left off of the note! If I did not have this as my defense, those anxious for credit probably would have assembled into a lynch mob.
Who can really blame someone for wanting credit for something they have done? The answer is: God can! If Jesus had to say “I can of mine own self do nothing,” who are we to think we can do something of our own selves?
We all want credit for things we do that are good. On the other hand, we also want nothing to do with the things we have done that are bad. When it comes to our approach to our heavenly Father, we must reverse this thought process. We must accept responsibility for the things that we have done that are wrong and give Him the glory for the things that have gone well. It is not very easy to do and runs contrary to what you will be taught in general society today.
There are a few words that represent these concepts that are not demonstrated nearly enough in today's world. They are “humility” and “responsibility.” We must be humble about what God has allowed us to accomplish in this life. “What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?” (NIV -1 Cor. 4:7) We must also take the responsibility for our sins and mistakes or God will make us own up to them. “For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged.” (1 Cor. 11:31)
As a final thought, while you are going about your daily tasks during this coming week, think about the following verses. “Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven….do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” (NIV)
Have a great week!
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